You’ve seen them – buttoned up and squeezed into that blue suit uniform – men and women at networking functions, business lunches, board rooms, and the ubiquitous blue suit conference.
It’s a sea of uniformity, stoic observation of tradition and formality, toeing the party line, maintaining status quo.
It’s stifling, restrictive, limiting, and…bloody boring.
However there is something comforting in the ‘blue suit’ paradigm: you belong to a tribe.
I confess – I am no good at receiving compliments. I’ve trained myself to say ‘thanks’ instead of ‘it’s nothing’ but I’m still usually in shock. Love my article? But it’s just what I do day in day out. You find my coaching insightful and powerful? But I just tell it how I see it. Love my presentation? But public speaking is so easy!
And I know how ridiculous this all sounds by the hundreds of you I can hear scoffing at the last point. Public speaking is not easy – not by a long shot.
So why do I downplay?
Have you ever been around someone who seems to generate their own positive stratosphere? Someone you can’t help being drawn to, appreciating their words of wisdom as well as their very presence?
I’ve had a few coaches that fit the bill. And the odd stand-out colleague. They’re the ones where you think, “I want to be like her when I grow up.”
Magnetic leaders are mesmerising, influential, and engaging. They’re generous, warm, and you just want to hang out in their bubble.
So what’s the secret?
When my client asked me what I see as mistakes that people make in leadership roles, one example jumped to the fore – ‘Sally’. Observing Sally is like watching a train smash in slow motion. She demonstrates the first two top leadership mistakes. The remaining one comes from examples closer to home.
Mistake 1: I’m right and you’re wrong.
‘Sally’ is an extremely passionate and driven leader with the singular purpose of advocating against injustice. There are two major problems with her focus: the first is that she is so single-minded that she becomes a cyclopse in any debate. No matter what alternative viewpoint is presented, if it doesn’t fit her version of the world it’s just wrong. She even told her team-mate, ‘if you don’t like it, join another group.’
I know I am not the only hard-working entrepreneur or professional who has had this experience. Have you ever tossed and turned with a million things that need to be done, preferably yesterday? Been so lost in thought about your next project that your spouse has to ask you three times how your day went?
I thought so.
Work-itis.
You too, huh?
Entrepreneurial types, whether self-employed or working for someone else, have massively creative brains.We are constantly focused on what next, how can I improve results, how can I meet targets, and wouldn’t it be fun to create another new product or service…
There are times when you are totally entitled to feel outraged,trodden on, and upset by the behaviours and attitude of others. Like when someone runs over your dog, or snubs you at a networking meeting, or delivers a couch that does not match the rest of your furniture.
Your sense of ‘that’s not nice’ becomes a raging blow torch of ‘that’s unfair and I want to stamp you into little pieces for it!’
Your suffering turns you into a trigger happy cowboy, strutting the streets, fingers tapping the pistol handle, ready for a quick-draw – anything to let loose the pent up fury. And any dog or pony will do.
It happened again. The first time was in Los Angeles at Ali Brown’s event. This time it was at ABBA Mania: I noticed that the people who were having the most fun were the ones in the front row. They danced more, they sang louder and they were whooping and leaping in joyful abandon.
The further you got from the stage, the quieter the cheers, the less enthusiastic the hip gyrations, and the more disdainful and recalcitrant the looks.
The best place in the whole room? The most joy was definitely coming from the stage. Whether it was Ali teaching information marketing or the 70s retro singers belting out tunes, whoever was on stage was fully present, totally committed, oozing passion and self-belief. I know I feel most connected and purposeful when I am up front and centre teaching and sharing.
Every once in a while that Pink Elephant shows up. You know, the thing that is blooming obvious, but no one wants to talk about.
Like the fact that Uncle Fred drinks way too much and smells of urine. Or Susan spends more time socialising on Facebook than she does doing the accounts. Or the boss’s right hand man – the ‘Golden Boy’ – has tantrums that keep everyone cowering behind their desks and taking really, really long lunches – out.
What do you do? If you say something then what started as something uncomfortable may become a Major Issue. If you pipe up about smelly Uncle Fred, then the family is going to have deal with alcoholism. If you point out Susan is wasting company time, you may become the tattle-tale. If you complain to the boss about Golden Boy’s tantrums, then maybe you’ll get the sack.
The question addresses two things: Should women lead differently to what they are currently doing? And, do women do leadership differently to men?
Let’s start with the gender one as it’s a nice, juicy topic. Do women do leadership differently to men?
Instinctively women operate differently to men as leaders. They are good listeners and relationship builders; they are collaborative and consensus-building.
As leaders, men tend to be directive, pragmatic, and take things at face value. They tend to be more focused on getting things done than getting things discussed.
There was a point in my self-development when I realised that I was completely 100% responsible for everything I experienced in my life.
The reaction went something like this:
“I create and attract everything I experience. Holy guacamole! I’m responsible for all this?! Bad relationship, stress, no money, cancer?!”